Kilbey has been playing at being a musician for over 300 years, and hopes to get to page 3 within the next 10. A gifted weaver, he produces around 50 tons of yarn every week, and sells it to local government officials. He is the tallest bass player in the band, and collects seashells on the seashore.

Often mistaken for Britney Spears, Andy adds glamour to Picturehouse. He has played with a number of notable musicians, usually up front where his power in the air is a positive boon for any sunday league team. His family deny any knowledge of him, but he loves them anyway. Will take work as a catalogue model.

After a stint in the fields, Paaaaat has become the only drummer in the band. Known for his potatoes and wearing a furry jumper under his t-shirt, Paaaat has been arrested over 3,000 times. Each time for the same offence.

I don't actually know anything about this young fellow, apart from his name. Nick. Thorne. I might even have spelt it wrong. He is a fellow, and, by all accounts, quite young. The one thing I do know for sure is that he is allergic to goose fat.